I stopped blogging cuz I wasn't into it. I think I wasnt into it because I felt like I couldn't be real. Screw it. I'm having a really rough time and I need an outlet. I'll regret this tomorrow, I'm sure, but right now I just don't give a crap.
The past 20 months have been amazing because we've had Abby. She is my sunshine. She is such a little Angel...absolutely perfect. I look at her and my heart literally gushes. Her short 20 months on this earth have been the sweetest gift!
They've also been incredibly challenging. We have been flat broke. Like, REALLY broke. Like, repossesion broke at one point. I stopped working when Abby was born because we were ok w/o my income and believe wholeheartedly that if possible, Mom's should be home. It was fine. We budgeted. Then the economy turned and Mike steadily lost business. I almost went back to work and then my health started to seriously suck. I've never been a complainer, but I feel like I do it constantly now. Since the pregnancy, I have been plagued by increased muscle problems due to my Cerebral Palsy.
Mike has tried SOOOO hard to get us back on track. He has his own set of challenges, but he pushes through and seriously Amazes me constantly. It just seems that everytime things start to look up for us, the bottom falls out. I keep thinking, "if we can make it to his baptism, everything will be ok", but it's only going to get harder because after baptism is working towards the Temple. Im just SO ready for "our" day. It's so hard to listen to others buy houses, clothes, Awesome trips I'd love to take, etc. when we are just trying to keep our heads above water. I look back and constantly kick myself for decisions we've made, weaknesses we have. I know that these things are for our good. We've learned a lot from being stupid! It doesn't make it any easier though.
Things are starting to look up financially. We took a gamble and became Scentsy consultants back in February and have been thankful and shocked at the success we've had. We are working very hard and trying to be smart about the choices we make. Also, Mike's business is starting to pick back up and we hope he can resume school in the fall. Why do I keep waiting for the worst to happen?
I want to be optimistic. I try. I want to be more confident, more secure in myself. I made some really Awesome friends this year. I finally felt accepted. I really haven't had that in 10+ years. Through a series of events though, we've become so distant it hurts. I HAVE to work Scentsy and help with M's business to stay afloat. HAVE to. I struggle though because it takes me so long to do the smallest things due to the CP that I just can't keep up with it all. I cry myself to sleep so many nights because I'm stretched so thin. It takes me sooo long to do the stupidest things. I just cant email, text, talk on the phone like I could before. It hurts so much to see on FB or otherwise that things are going on that I'm not invited to. Friends I used to be so close to are now close to other people and telling them everything I used to be privy to. With people I'd love to get to know... ppl I admire. I know I'm whining, but it feels like highschool all over again. Poor lil crippled Jen, wandering the halls alone... people smile and say hi but don't really care to get to know me.
I feel like such a stupid, immature kid but I cant help feeling this way. We all want to be loved, right? I'm so grateful for my husband and daughter because most of the time, I feel like they are all I have. Mikal is the ONLY person who has ever seen me without seeing CP. I can never explain to him how amazing that is, because when I'm with him, I get a taste of what it must feel like to have a body that works, that people don't immediately judge.
Welcome to my pity party. It feels good to be honest.